Yesterday, as I was making my way toward my prison cell office in the library, I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the glass door and, well, let's just say...it wasn't pretty. I instantly wished that I was with someone who could take my picture, because I imagined a magazine-style blog post with arrows pointing to all of the things about my appearance that mark me as a grad student (if only because figuring out how to add said arrows would require hours of worthless procrastination). As an aspiring ethnographer, however, I decided that attempting to describe my appearance could be a helpful exercise (and, therefore, not an entirely wasted activity). So, after the jump, enjoy an excerpt from my forthcoming book "Portrait of a Graduate Student as a Rapidly Aging Young Woman." (p.s....this post is long and not for the faint-of-heart procrastinators)
The first thing you might notice about the graduate student are her accessories. On her right shoulder hangs a rust colored, cotton purse (well, more like a shapeless bag) with tan "tribal" trim along the top, bottom and strap, which is slowly tearing loose from the bag itself and has been tied into a knot at the top of her shoulder, in order to shorten the length of the bag to match her definitively diminutive stature (at least you think that color is tan...it's so dirty, you can't be sure what color it was originally). The possibility enters your mind that she is a hippie, but if you were to look at the tag, you would see that the bag is a product of the women's cooperative at the NGO where she has worked in India...an affiliation she has since repeatedly exploited when seeking admission into institutions of higher education and/or applying for grant money because it authorizes her claims to understand the lives of rural Indian women. Yes, that's right...she has exploited Indian women in order to receive permission/money to describe the ways in which Indian women are exploited. Irony is the joie de vivre of graduate students.
In her right hand is an ever-present cup of coffee. Cradled in her left arm is a day planner (Moleskin, no less...one of the few luxury items she has allowed herself on her meager student stipend) that carries copious notes pertaining to meetings, grocery lists, and how "ethnography is theory"...interrupted by weeks of absolutely no notes when she is too lazy/busy to track her daily obligations or, more likely, simply has no "plans" (and finds it too depressing to write "hulu, penguin, sleep" in that Friday night box that mocks her so). Atop that planner lies Catherine McKinnon's Toward a Feminist Theory of the State, because, well...that book is nonsensical and much too committed to Marxist theory, both of which are universal markers of an academic. Nestled within the crook of her arm is an over-sized bottle of "smartwater." Your first thought might be, "well, that's pretentious." And you would be right (pretentiousness, of course, being a fundamental marker of the graduate student). But, were you able to analyze the BPA levels of said pretentious bottle, you would quickly realize that she has been carrying and refilling it for weeks, because after years of losing/forgetting pricey Nalgene bottles, she has finally resigned herself to the fact that she shouldn't be allowed to have nice things (its size is also useful because it requires more time to fill at the water fountain and, hence, offers a legitimate and fairly lengthy opportunity for procrastination (procrastination, of course, being one more marker of the graduate student)).
But what of her attire? At first glance, it appears fairly normal, if not somewhat blasé. The careful observer, who might suspect her to be a graduate student, would be surprised to see that her jeans are from Calvin Klein. If pressed, (actually, without much pressure, as she is not prone to unwarranted, or even warranted, shame) she would admit that she bought them the day that the CK store closed in the mall and paid only $17 for them (before literally running out of the store lest they change their minds). You might not even pay attention to the white, v-neck t-shirt under her sweater, but if she had occasion to remove her sweater, you would immediately recognize it as a product of Target, complete with stains and holes in the armpits. You might find that her button-down brown sweater is attractive in a retro, 70s, "so ugly it's cute" kind of way with its interspersed patterns of blue, orange, white, and tan checkers, then stripes, then checkers, then stripes. But you would surely guess that it was a $10 purchase from a thrift store if only because no clothing company in its right mind would continue to produce such a hideous garment. Surprisingly, you might want to compliment her on her brown loafers, as many have done before you (much to her surprise as well). But again, she would mostly likely insult your compliment my bragging that she bought them for $10 at a sidewalk sale 5 years ago and would mostly likely turn up her feet to show you the skin that peers out through the cracks in both soles. She may even go so far as to tell you that the seam above her left toe is held together not by the manufacturer-issued string...oh, no...but by dental floss (sewn in by an ex-boyfriend, as she is too lazy to attempt such a thing). (Please note that this part about the floss will be spoken with misplaced pride). Certainly, you would take notice of how the sporty, gray and black fleece she dons clashes terribly with her outfit and might be taken off guard that it would seem to suggests her enjoyment of outdoor activities (decidedly NOT a marker of a graduate student). Upon being revealed as a $2 purchase (and a rip-off at that!), however, that followed from her hurling abuses in Hindi at a poor, helpless, Nepali tween during her drunken escapades in Kathmandu the year before, it would start to make sense. Yes, the origins of these items would all belie her graduate student status.
And yet, this all still might not be enough. These could just be signs of being a wanna-be hipster barista (oddly enough, what hipsters work so hard for (and pay so much for) comes so naturally (and cheaply) to the graduate student). But, when looking to the minutia, her identity can not be mistaken. If one were to note the fingernails that have been bitten to the skin, the limp, greasy hair that hasn't been shampooed in days or cut in months, the dark bags that ring both of her eyes like a raccoon, the lack of make-up due to insufficient skills, money and energy for such things, how parched and chapped her lips appear as she silently mumbles incoherent thoughts to herself, due to her body being unable to keep up with her constant intake of the diuretics of coffee and alcohol, and the way that her eyes dart furtively around without ever really focusing on anything, then they would begin to see her for who she really is.
Yes, one must look to this complete picture...old, cheap, mismatched clothes, tattered, useless belongings, an utter lack of hygiene, and an inability to function/interact like a normal human being...for, only together, do these things truly mark her as the ever-elusive "graduate student."
Or a homeless schizophrenic. It's a tough call, really....
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The first thing you might notice about the graduate student are her accessories. On her right shoulder hangs a rust colored, cotton purse (well, more like a shapeless bag) with tan "tribal" trim along the top, bottom and strap, which is slowly tearing loose from the bag itself and has been tied into a knot at the top of her shoulder, in order to shorten the length of the bag to match her definitively diminutive stature (at least you think that color is tan...it's so dirty, you can't be sure what color it was originally). The possibility enters your mind that she is a hippie, but if you were to look at the tag, you would see that the bag is a product of the women's cooperative at the NGO where she has worked in India...an affiliation she has since repeatedly exploited when seeking admission into institutions of higher education and/or applying for grant money because it authorizes her claims to understand the lives of rural Indian women. Yes, that's right...she has exploited Indian women in order to receive permission/money to describe the ways in which Indian women are exploited. Irony is the joie de vivre of graduate students.
In her right hand is an ever-present cup of coffee. Cradled in her left arm is a day planner (Moleskin, no less...one of the few luxury items she has allowed herself on her meager student stipend) that carries copious notes pertaining to meetings, grocery lists, and how "ethnography is theory"...interrupted by weeks of absolutely no notes when she is too lazy/busy to track her daily obligations or, more likely, simply has no "plans" (and finds it too depressing to write "hulu, penguin, sleep" in that Friday night box that mocks her so). Atop that planner lies Catherine McKinnon's Toward a Feminist Theory of the State, because, well...that book is nonsensical and much too committed to Marxist theory, both of which are universal markers of an academic. Nestled within the crook of her arm is an over-sized bottle of "smartwater." Your first thought might be, "well, that's pretentious." And you would be right (pretentiousness, of course, being a fundamental marker of the graduate student). But, were you able to analyze the BPA levels of said pretentious bottle, you would quickly realize that she has been carrying and refilling it for weeks, because after years of losing/forgetting pricey Nalgene bottles, she has finally resigned herself to the fact that she shouldn't be allowed to have nice things (its size is also useful because it requires more time to fill at the water fountain and, hence, offers a legitimate and fairly lengthy opportunity for procrastination (procrastination, of course, being one more marker of the graduate student)).
But what of her attire? At first glance, it appears fairly normal, if not somewhat blasé. The careful observer, who might suspect her to be a graduate student, would be surprised to see that her jeans are from Calvin Klein. If pressed, (actually, without much pressure, as she is not prone to unwarranted, or even warranted, shame) she would admit that she bought them the day that the CK store closed in the mall and paid only $17 for them (before literally running out of the store lest they change their minds). You might not even pay attention to the white, v-neck t-shirt under her sweater, but if she had occasion to remove her sweater, you would immediately recognize it as a product of Target, complete with stains and holes in the armpits. You might find that her button-down brown sweater is attractive in a retro, 70s, "so ugly it's cute" kind of way with its interspersed patterns of blue, orange, white, and tan checkers, then stripes, then checkers, then stripes. But you would surely guess that it was a $10 purchase from a thrift store if only because no clothing company in its right mind would continue to produce such a hideous garment. Surprisingly, you might want to compliment her on her brown loafers, as many have done before you (much to her surprise as well). But again, she would mostly likely insult your compliment my bragging that she bought them for $10 at a sidewalk sale 5 years ago and would mostly likely turn up her feet to show you the skin that peers out through the cracks in both soles. She may even go so far as to tell you that the seam above her left toe is held together not by the manufacturer-issued string...oh, no...but by dental floss (sewn in by an ex-boyfriend, as she is too lazy to attempt such a thing). (Please note that this part about the floss will be spoken with misplaced pride). Certainly, you would take notice of how the sporty, gray and black fleece she dons clashes terribly with her outfit and might be taken off guard that it would seem to suggests her enjoyment of outdoor activities (decidedly NOT a marker of a graduate student). Upon being revealed as a $2 purchase (and a rip-off at that!), however, that followed from her hurling abuses in Hindi at a poor, helpless, Nepali tween during her drunken escapades in Kathmandu the year before, it would start to make sense. Yes, the origins of these items would all belie her graduate student status.
And yet, this all still might not be enough. These could just be signs of being a wanna-be hipster barista (oddly enough, what hipsters work so hard for (and pay so much for) comes so naturally (and cheaply) to the graduate student). But, when looking to the minutia, her identity can not be mistaken. If one were to note the fingernails that have been bitten to the skin, the limp, greasy hair that hasn't been shampooed in days or cut in months, the dark bags that ring both of her eyes like a raccoon, the lack of make-up due to insufficient skills, money and energy for such things, how parched and chapped her lips appear as she silently mumbles incoherent thoughts to herself, due to her body being unable to keep up with her constant intake of the diuretics of coffee and alcohol, and the way that her eyes dart furtively around without ever really focusing on anything, then they would begin to see her for who she really is.
Yes, one must look to this complete picture...old, cheap, mismatched clothes, tattered, useless belongings, an utter lack of hygiene, and an inability to function/interact like a normal human being...for, only together, do these things truly mark her as the ever-elusive "graduate student."
Or a homeless schizophrenic. It's a tough call, really....
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