I've started a forthcoming post about the ways in which studying for my comprehensive exams has impacted my life, namely by pushing me to new extremes of procrastination. One way that I've procrastinated in the past few months is OkCupid. This free dating website can be a very welcome time-suck when necessary and, on rare occasions, I'll receive messages that make me feel better about myself, if only because they reinforce how absurd and idiotic people are. Anyway, as an act of sheer procrastination/distraction, I agreed to go on a date with an OkCupid guy last night. After the jump, I reveal a list of things to do and/or not to do when you're on a first date with me (mostly things NOT to do)...
1. After I have told you what I do and you have suggested that you understand the difference between theology and the academic study of religion, don't tell me that you think that deep down, everyone, especially atheists, has a spiritual yearning that they're looking to fulfill. This makes you sound like one of the crazy Christians you purport to hate.
2. Please don't be a white, middle-class, male who attempts to explain to me how affirmative action is "unfair" because you have that one rich, black friend who got more college scholarship money than you did...
3. Ok, this one is unique to me, and not a "fault" of yours per se, but my google reader is filled with music and pop culture websites that I read obsessively throughout the day (more on that in the forthcoming post). Moreover, I watch all the trashy t.v. I can get my internet hands on and approximately 67.7% of the things I say are movie quotes. Unfortunately, this means that when you tell me that you're the worst at the "What's that band/who's that actor/what's that t.v. show?" game, it means we're incompatible. Sorry.
As a side note, it hurts me that you don't know Modest Mouse and that you like to respond to the question "Who is your favorite Christian band" with the apparently humorous response, "U2." Mostly, that last one hurts because it means that you find yourself among people who would ask you who your favorite Christian band is.
4. Oh, please. Seriously. I told you that I study feminism and, surely, by now, you've picked up on the fact that I'm an obnoxious asshole with no respect for socially acceptable modes of female (or male, for that matter) humor. You are not doing yourself any favors by explaining to me that you think it is unfair and/or harmful for women to make sexist jokes because it only "perpetuates the cycle." I'm sorry that I wasn't interested enough to inquire as to which "cycle" you were referring, exactly.
5. Don't market yourself as a "software engineer" only to reveal that you are, in fact, a "project manager." For reasons I'd rather not get into, I know the difference and I know how offended the software engineers would be that you appropriated their title (not to mention how much it would inflate their already over-sized egos to have the chance to mock you for this claim).
6. Don't pretend you're too good for hockey (and the violence it entails). That makes you a pussy (yup...I'm that girl that's not afraid to use derogatory terms normally reserved for women...is this the cycle to which you referred?!?). Coincidentally, dismissing golf as equally ridiculous (particularly based on the class and environmental reasons that you concocted while working as a caddy) means that you're not going to get along with my dad...which is a deal breaker for me.
7. Don't be in the process of "writing a novel." Especially if the first chapter of that novel is a take on "The Toy" (and, therefore, vaguely racist) and the second chapter is a take on "Amelie" (and, therefore, unoriginal). Do, however, catch up on your movie plots (see implicit suggestions for how to do this in #3 of this post).
8. Don't interrupt me to tell me that I have a "hot little body." I'm sure you mean this as a compliment, but first of all, don't interrupt me. Well, at least don't interrupt me to make it clear that you're not paying attention to me. Secondly, when I respond awkwardly and make up the excuse that "I don't take compliments well," don't start a cycle of apologizing for making me feel awkward...and then continuing to remark on said "hot little body" (and repeat). Yes, I'm hot. I get it. Stop.
8a. Don't follow up number 8 by rubbing my leg.
8b. Don't follow up 8a by telling me how badly you want to "make out" with me at my car when we leave.
9. Do pay the whole tab. This is especially true considering we've had a conversation about how you are still working as asoftware engineer project manager because of how much money you make and how I have to keep my job as a server in order to pay my bills.
10. When I finally let you kiss me at the end of the night, just to get it over with and go home, please refrain from any and all of the following activities:
a. shoving your tongue into my mouth like a 13 year old boy
c. wrapping my leg around your body
d. telling me that because I wrapped my leg around your body, you know that I want to "fuck" you too
e. grabbing my ass.
I think there are a number of lessons to take away from this experience. First, stop procrastinating. It only makes things worse. Two, don't trust the internet. That thing lies...it lies!!! Three, and perhaps most importantly...don't go out on a date with me. I'm hyper-critical, impossible to please, and prone to hyperbolic, public mockery. Also, I'm not good at break-ups, so I should probably add:
11. Don't wait by the phone...
Sigh. I'm sure Mr. Right is out there and that, one day, I'll stumble upon his pale, weak body as he lies curled up in a dimly lit corner of the library, squinting at the The History of Sexuality Part I and alternately nodding his head and rolling his eyes.
I just hope he likes penguins as much as I do...
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1. After I have told you what I do and you have suggested that you understand the difference between theology and the academic study of religion, don't tell me that you think that deep down, everyone, especially atheists, has a spiritual yearning that they're looking to fulfill. This makes you sound like one of the crazy Christians you purport to hate.
2. Please don't be a white, middle-class, male who attempts to explain to me how affirmative action is "unfair" because you have that one rich, black friend who got more college scholarship money than you did...
3. Ok, this one is unique to me, and not a "fault" of yours per se, but my google reader is filled with music and pop culture websites that I read obsessively throughout the day (more on that in the forthcoming post). Moreover, I watch all the trashy t.v. I can get my internet hands on and approximately 67.7% of the things I say are movie quotes. Unfortunately, this means that when you tell me that you're the worst at the "What's that band/who's that actor/what's that t.v. show?" game, it means we're incompatible. Sorry.
As a side note, it hurts me that you don't know Modest Mouse and that you like to respond to the question "Who is your favorite Christian band" with the apparently humorous response, "U2." Mostly, that last one hurts because it means that you find yourself among people who would ask you who your favorite Christian band is.
4. Oh, please. Seriously. I told you that I study feminism and, surely, by now, you've picked up on the fact that I'm an obnoxious asshole with no respect for socially acceptable modes of female (or male, for that matter) humor. You are not doing yourself any favors by explaining to me that you think it is unfair and/or harmful for women to make sexist jokes because it only "perpetuates the cycle." I'm sorry that I wasn't interested enough to inquire as to which "cycle" you were referring, exactly.
5. Don't market yourself as a "software engineer" only to reveal that you are, in fact, a "project manager." For reasons I'd rather not get into, I know the difference and I know how offended the software engineers would be that you appropriated their title (not to mention how much it would inflate their already over-sized egos to have the chance to mock you for this claim).
6. Don't pretend you're too good for hockey (and the violence it entails). That makes you a pussy (yup...I'm that girl that's not afraid to use derogatory terms normally reserved for women...is this the cycle to which you referred?!?). Coincidentally, dismissing golf as equally ridiculous (particularly based on the class and environmental reasons that you concocted while working as a caddy) means that you're not going to get along with my dad...which is a deal breaker for me.
7. Don't be in the process of "writing a novel." Especially if the first chapter of that novel is a take on "The Toy" (and, therefore, vaguely racist) and the second chapter is a take on "Amelie" (and, therefore, unoriginal). Do, however, catch up on your movie plots (see implicit suggestions for how to do this in #3 of this post).
8. Don't interrupt me to tell me that I have a "hot little body." I'm sure you mean this as a compliment, but first of all, don't interrupt me. Well, at least don't interrupt me to make it clear that you're not paying attention to me. Secondly, when I respond awkwardly and make up the excuse that "I don't take compliments well," don't start a cycle of apologizing for making me feel awkward...and then continuing to remark on said "hot little body" (and repeat). Yes, I'm hot. I get it. Stop.
8a. Don't follow up number 8 by rubbing my leg.
8b. Don't follow up 8a by telling me how badly you want to "make out" with me at my car when we leave.
9. Do pay the whole tab. This is especially true considering we've had a conversation about how you are still working as a
10. When I finally let you kiss me at the end of the night, just to get it over with and go home, please refrain from any and all of the following activities:
a. shoving your tongue into my mouth like a 13 year old boy
c. wrapping my leg around your body
d. telling me that because I wrapped my leg around your body, you know that I want to "fuck" you too
e. grabbing my ass.
I think there are a number of lessons to take away from this experience. First, stop procrastinating. It only makes things worse. Two, don't trust the internet. That thing lies...it lies!!! Three, and perhaps most importantly...don't go out on a date with me. I'm hyper-critical, impossible to please, and prone to hyperbolic, public mockery. Also, I'm not good at break-ups, so I should probably add:
11. Don't wait by the phone...
Sigh. I'm sure Mr. Right is out there and that, one day, I'll stumble upon his pale, weak body as he lies curled up in a dimly lit corner of the library, squinting at the The History of Sexuality Part I and alternately nodding his head and rolling his eyes.
I just hope he likes penguins as much as I do...
Subscribe in a reader
2 comments:
As far as preferences for land-based Antarctic birds go, I was always partial to the Snowy Sheathbill myself.
Wait a second. How could you possibly know that this guy would playfully respond to the question "Who's your favorite Christian rock band?" with "U2" unless you had, in fact, asked him, "Who's your favorite Christian rock band?"
In other words, it seems quite plausible that this poor son of a bitch is sitting around with his friends right now somewhere saying, "Yeah, and then, right after I told her that I yearn for the kind of creative fulfillment that only novel-writing can provide, but before I complimented her on her fine physique by telling her that (in the parlance of our times) I wanted to 'fuck' her 'hot little body,' she had the gall to bizarrely grill me on the subject of Christian rock music. Man, that chick was weird. I can't believe I didn't hit a home run with her. I'm guessing that the problem had something to do with 'cycles.'"
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