So, I've been spending a lot of time in the library recently, which is not my preferred study place, but alas, I have too many books to haul back and forth between coffeeshops. One of the consequences of my time in the library is that I have been over-exposed to the life and conversations of undergraduates. This experience has proven to be both humorous and horrifying and has inspired a new feature that I'm calling:
Shit undergrads say (and the things that grad students think in response).
Enjoy!
In Starbucks:
Undergrad girl: Ugh. They don't have the cookies I like. This is so unfair!
Me: (Like you even know what unfair means. There are women in India, my dear,....who are writing postcolonial feminist theory that I can't understand, but I am expected to write a 15 page paper about it in a 6 hour time period. Talk about unfair!!!)
Undergrad girl: I'll have a venti hazelnut skim decaf whipped....(I couldn't follow the rest of her string of adjectives)
Me: (Oh my god. Stop being so snobby. Just get a goddamn cup of coffee and move on with your life. Also, could you please hurry...I need to complain about how my egg white, spinach and roasted red pepper breakfast wrap has been slightly overcooked.).
In the library:
Undergrad boy: (on the phone) No, mom! (pause) No...just put it in the mail. I"ll take care of it! (pause) Oh my god! No! Look...I can't talk now, I'm in the library (pause) Hello? (pause) Hellooooooo?!? (redials) Hey. Sorry. (pause) Yeah, I know. I'm sorry I yelled. (pause) I know. (pause) (resigned sigh) Ok. I'll call you later.
Me: (That's right, kid! Don't disrespect your mother! (pause) Oh, that reminds me, I need to call my mom back. Eeee. (face of aversion) Nah...I'll do it later).
In the dining hall:
Me: (after having thoroughly scrutinized the appearance, mannerisms, and conversation of the undergrad boys sitting at the next table) Wow. Undergraduate boys really are the worst people on earth, aren't they?
My grad student friend Connie: Ugh. Yes. Are you kidding me? I'm so glad I went to a woman's college.
Undergrad boy: Got two tests back today. Got a 64...and a 62! (now in a singsong voice) NAILED-IT!
Undergrad boys: hahahahahahaha (fist bumps all around)
Me: (shaking my head, my eyes widening in disbelief and disgust)
Connie: Ugh. And I'm glad I'm gay.
In the elevator:
Undergrad boy: (presses the button for floor 3, even though we're on floor 2)
Me: (Seriously? You couldn't take the stairs up one flight? Ugh! Now it's going to take me an extra 30 seconds to get to the fourth floor, you lazy fuck!)
Undergrad (Jewish, apparently) boy: I'm, like, the real deal. None of this Ashkanazi Jew bullshit.
Undergrad girls: hahahahahaha
Me: (What? What did I just step into? Are you seriously exploiting your Jewish heritage to try to get some laughs in hopes of getting laid? That is offensive and hopeless! (pause) Although, Jews really are the funniest religious people.)
Same undergrad (Jewish) boy: (chasing after one of the girls as she exits the elevator) Oh, so I never finished telling you that schnitzel story...
Me: (Schnitzel? Really? (shaking head) Shoulda gone with Hitler, kid. Gets 'em every time....)
As you can see, graduate students are obviously intellectually, morally, and ethically superior...
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Shit undergrads say (and the things that grad students think in response).
Enjoy!
In Starbucks:
Undergrad girl: Ugh. They don't have the cookies I like. This is so unfair!
Me: (Like you even know what unfair means. There are women in India, my dear,....who are writing postcolonial feminist theory that I can't understand, but I am expected to write a 15 page paper about it in a 6 hour time period. Talk about unfair!!!)
Undergrad girl: I'll have a venti hazelnut skim decaf whipped....(I couldn't follow the rest of her string of adjectives)
Me: (Oh my god. Stop being so snobby. Just get a goddamn cup of coffee and move on with your life. Also, could you please hurry...I need to complain about how my egg white, spinach and roasted red pepper breakfast wrap has been slightly overcooked.).
In the library:
Undergrad boy: (on the phone) No, mom! (pause) No...just put it in the mail. I"ll take care of it! (pause) Oh my god! No! Look...I can't talk now, I'm in the library (pause) Hello? (pause) Hellooooooo?!? (redials) Hey. Sorry. (pause) Yeah, I know. I'm sorry I yelled. (pause) I know. (pause) (resigned sigh) Ok. I'll call you later.
Me: (That's right, kid! Don't disrespect your mother! (pause) Oh, that reminds me, I need to call my mom back. Eeee. (face of aversion) Nah...I'll do it later).
In the dining hall:
Me: (after having thoroughly scrutinized the appearance, mannerisms, and conversation of the undergrad boys sitting at the next table) Wow. Undergraduate boys really are the worst people on earth, aren't they?
My grad student friend Connie: Ugh. Yes. Are you kidding me? I'm so glad I went to a woman's college.
Undergrad boy: Got two tests back today. Got a 64...and a 62! (now in a singsong voice) NAILED-IT!
Undergrad boys: hahahahahahaha (fist bumps all around)
Me: (shaking my head, my eyes widening in disbelief and disgust)
Connie: Ugh. And I'm glad I'm gay.
In the elevator:
Undergrad boy: (presses the button for floor 3, even though we're on floor 2)
Me: (Seriously? You couldn't take the stairs up one flight? Ugh! Now it's going to take me an extra 30 seconds to get to the fourth floor, you lazy fuck!)
Undergrad (Jewish, apparently) boy: I'm, like, the real deal. None of this Ashkanazi Jew bullshit.
Undergrad girls: hahahahahaha
Me: (What? What did I just step into? Are you seriously exploiting your Jewish heritage to try to get some laughs in hopes of getting laid? That is offensive and hopeless! (pause) Although, Jews really are the funniest religious people.)
Same undergrad (Jewish) boy: (chasing after one of the girls as she exits the elevator) Oh, so I never finished telling you that schnitzel story...
Me: (Schnitzel? Really? (shaking head) Shoulda gone with Hitler, kid. Gets 'em every time....)
As you can see, graduate students are obviously intellectually, morally, and ethically superior...
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1 comment:
How is it possible that this boy who claims to have no Ashkanazi Jewish heritage has a "schnitzel story?"
But then, maybe he just made it up. It is, after all, common knowledge that every red-blooded American girl goes weak in the knees when she hears a good yarn about schnitzel. It's almost unfair to manipulate someone's heart-strings like that.
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